So often we think our feelings are truth-diviners.  This can get us in trouble. Bob is a twenty-eight year old man; smart, handsome and successful. He is painfully shy and very insecure. There are many historical reasons for this, but I will refrain from outlining them because the root causes of his self esteem issues are not important for this example.

Bob sees an attractive woman at his friend’s birthday party. She is sitting by herself on the couch, biding her time and seemingly waiting for a conversation partner. Bob is paralyzed. His feelings inform him that he is contemplating venturing into dangerous territory. The information his feelings feed him include:

• “Don’t disturb her. She’s probably relaxing and enjoying a quiet moment.”
• “She won’t like you. She will quickly see your flaws and reject you.”
• “She probably has a boyfriend. You will be humiliated and embarrassed.”
• “What makes you think you deserve to go out with such a nice person?”
• “You aren’t good looking enough nor do you make enough money to ever have a chance with her. Don’t even try because you are certain to be rejected.”

Given the above information, anyone would be paralyzed! To Bob’s credit, he gathers his courage, sits down next to her and introduces himself. They talk for fifteen minutes whereby she says it was a pleasure to meet him but she had to go.

Bob is certain as to why she left:

• “He wasn’t good looking enough.”
• “He was boring.”
• “He didn’t have enough money.”
• “She picked up on all of his hidden flaws.”
• “He is destined to be alone forever.

Bob feels these things yet he is positive that he is factually right. He will say, “Forget her. She thinks she’s too good for me. Who wants such a judgmental, materialistic, superficial person anyway!”

While it is possible that Bob may be correct in why things happened the way they did, we know that there are many, many other explanations for her departure. Maybe she did have to go. Maybe she was just out of a relationship and not ready to meet anyone new.  Maybe she is gay. It’s possible she just lost her job and was feeling depressed. Maybe she suffers the same insecurities as Bob does and exits the conversation before she gets rejected. It’s possible that she thought Bob was a nice guy but not a nice guy for her. She didn’t have negative feelings for him, but she also didn’t have any romantically positive for feelings for him either. It’s also possible she would go out with Bob if only Bob would have asked for her contact information. Instead, the conversation went on and on and she may have felt that he wasn’t interested.

Try not to let your feelings dominate your thinking. There usually is a truth that stands alone outside of our feelings. The fearful flyer may feel that because of turbulence, the plane is crashing into the mountain. Instead of running up and down the isle screaming of impending doom, his or her thinking mind steps in and reminds the flyer that turbulence is just choppy air and that the plane is not, in fact, crashing.

We feel. We know. While it is important not to intellectualize our feelings, it is also important not to let our feelings take over our rational thinking.

Gary Penn is a clinical psychologist with offices in Brentwood and Encino California. He works with individual, couples and groups. In addition he does corporate training for management and front line staff. He can be reached at www.drgarypenn.com.